Just chilax!

It's amazing how being calm can alter your views. As difficult and stressful as things can sometimes get, at least we seem able to discuss our issues, albeit after a 24 hour cooling period! More on that later...

Stupid bitch - part 2

Do you ever just wonder what life is about? What the purpose of the world is? How do you actually fit in? With Mr Marseille, I felt as though I had found a place in this world, not only where I belonged, but also where I wanted to be. Over the last 2 months and particularly the last 24 hours, I just feel lost. Worst still, I have become someone I don't particularly like – someone insecure, afraid of being alone and just worthless. A few days ago I just started to cry and couldn’t stop, I was muttering random things, thinking about taking medication and to be honest, wondering just what my life was about. About 3 weeks ago, my mother moved home and I went over to collect the last little bits & pieces of mine. I also found 3 bottles of extra strong sleeping pills I bought when living in New York 5 years ago and took them home. You know, the days when my diet consisted of nothing but martinis, carrot juice and sleeping pills. Has it really come to that?

Lately we have been arguing about everything and anything. Yes, I know it’s the stress of his work situation but is there more to it? From the beginning, I have been there offering my support and love and I just feel as though I am unappreciated and pointless. Yesterday, after a lovely morning of wedding planning, making love and just being together, I decided to share my insecurities with the one person I’m supposed to share everything with. He completely tripped out, started to shout at me, didn’t want to talk and decided to leave me and go for a walk because I think it’s inappropriate for him to have regular email/telephone exchange with women who, by his own admission, fancy him. He then decided to drag up the past once again (a favourite hobby of his) and say that I had dinner with my “ex FB”. The rant then continued to more historical events of when his friend was fucking rude to me and that he is not going to give up his friends (for me). You know, I never once asked him to give anybody up. I happily gave up platonic friendships with an ex because I love him and don’t see why my past should cause him/us any issues. So yep, he left for walk. I packed some stuff, wrote him a note and left. As I sat on the bus trying not to cry, I kept hoping he would call and tell me to come home. He didn’t.

Last night, nothing. No call. No text. Nothing. So once again, I sent made the first move:

“Goodnight”.

“I feel so lonely without you. Goodnight x” he wrote.

I was so happy that he responded. So happy to have a sign that he cares.

“I am so sad without you. I promise to never leave like this again. X” I instantly wrote back.

No response. I kept hoping he would call/text. As I switched on my telephone at 0503 this morning, my heart raced as a waited for an sms from him. 0900 and nothing. Him not calling has only served to confirm my insecurities about how relevant I am to him and made things far worse.

So here I sit, feeling like a stupid little bitch wondering where our life stands now. Wondering where MY life stands. I’m trying to figure out if I can cope with a life of always having to make the first move to patch things up. More worryingly, I feel that I will always come last – that he will always choose his friends over me. Question is, can I deal with that? The even bigger question is why should I?

Finding Mary

I started reading

The Year Of Living Biblically

* by complete chance and suddenly, I started to remember all of the wonder moments I had as small child. As a wee child, I went to a convent and spent 6 years there until my mother decided it was all a little too religious!

We would pray when we woke up, before each lesson, at the end of school and before going to sleep, in addition to saying grace before each meal. I felt connected to something - maybe to God, maybe to my fellow pupils but you know, I think I was more connected to myself. Most of my fondest childhood moments involve being at that school. It suddenly dawned on me that my life path changed when I left St Mary's - that's when I lost my self-esteem and became a loner. It took me 17 years and a very stressful moment in my relationship to realise that leaving my Roman Catholic convent changed the course of my life. What does that mean for my future?

I'm the first person to talk about religion being a load of BS but lately, I've just felt this pull to something else. Even more bizarre, I like it. A little reminder to myself:

1. I am the Lord your God who brought you out of slavery in Egypt.
2. You shall have no other gods but me.
3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.
4. You shall remember and keep the Sabbath day holy.
5. Honour your father and mother.
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
10. You shall not covet.

*Highly recommend it for some religious knowledge but also for a bloody laugh!

I hate the term “stepmother”

Yesterday I was informed that my temp role will end in 3-5 weeks. It’s quite interesting but since making that discovery, I feel less stressed about working life. I’m still as sleepy as before – I spent so much time going to the “bathroom” AKA sitting at the bottom of the stairs taking a nap, I really wonder what people think. Yesterday afternoon, I went for a quick power nap and ended up waking up 25 minutes later. Not cut out for work but needs must... To be honest, all I want to do is to stay home, cook, clean, take care of my man, plan our wedding and practice making babies. On the upside, it just short term and we can use the cash towards our wedding and I can save a wee bit more for myself before I give into life as a fabulous housewife. I think H2B is going to lose his mind if I continue working. Needless to say, he’s not the only one.

H2B is off visiting his son this weekend and initially I was looking forward to some time alone but now I’m pretty lonely without him and I slept so poorly. Things have been a bit up and down lately because he’s been so stressed with work but I am trying to support him as much as possible. Our sex life has improved and we’re much more in sync with each other. In the long run, this stressful time is probably a good thing because I don’t want to experience this when we’re married/I’m pregnant/we have a small baby.

Speaking of H2B visiting his son, do you realise that in a year’s time, I’m going to be a stepmother? So I’ve always known that he has a (very sweet) son and I have my own experiences of having my father remarry, which in itself isn’t an issue, just that my father married a woman I ended up nicknaming “Beverley-the-bitch”. Needless to say, I’m not a fan! I really want his son to be included in our life as much as possible, particularly since we’re planning to try for a baby just after getting married. My H2B is such a good father and despite living in another country and seeing his son for only a few days per month, he’s very much involved in everything he does and they’re very close. I want to strike a good balance between his son knowing that I care about him, that our home is his home, that a new wife and baby won’t mean he’s any less important AND continuing not to interfere with their private weekends. I think I need to go book shopping this? Surely there’s a book named “How to be a fun, caring, approachable stepmother to a teenager” out there? Amazon and I will spend some time together this weekend that’s for sure!

BED BED BED

That’s all I can think.

So I decided to go back to work on a temporary basis – today signifies the 1 week mark. The only thing I can say is WTF?! I am so unbelievably exhausted, have had no time alone and I just cannot comprehend just how people actually fit a life in with work. Did I mention that I start at 0900 and finish at 1800. How abnormal is that!? By the time I get home and cook, shower and sit down, it’s 2100. I end up eating very little because the idea of eating and then heading straight to be doesn’t feel too good. All I can say is power to working wives and mothers because this isn’t easy. I've just discovered that they need me for next week again. Trying to just see the positive side i.e. more money for our wedding. I’m just not cut out for working.

It baffles me at how people are so consumed their jobs. Yes, we all need money but come on people, take a chill pill. London transport has decided on a 2-day strike over some BS so people are acting crazy-as-hell! This morning on the bus, this woman starts screaming “hold on driver, some of these idiots won’t move out of way and let us off of the bus”. I just looked at her and thought, how bloody sad that this chicca feels the need to insult strangers just because she’s late for work. She knew there was a strike so why not just take a chill pill and smile. It’s only a bloody job! Another guy had a sweating fit, got really dizzy and had to sit down ON THE FLOOR OF THE BUS. How gross!! But you know, homie had to get his arse to work so he just has to deal with it. No, no, no – this isn’t for Milla.

It’s quite interesting how agencies market these roles. They attempt to make them sounds interesting, the role everybody wants and more importantly, the role you need! Sitting here bored out of my mind. One can always find something to keep us busy but like most situations, we also need something to stimulate us mentally. Let’s just say that my brain is chilling right now...

Steps to recovery

We made love this morning. It was so good to feel wanted again. Generally, we are very close and constantly kiss, hold hands, sleep wrapped in each other’s arms etc but I missed feeling wanted sexually. Fair enough, it had only been 5 days but it seemed like a lot longer. Last night, he popped out briefly and came home with the most gorgeous yellow tulips – the second bunch of flowers he’s given to me in a week. Just 4 days before, he surprised me with a wonderful bouquet of red roses.

Sometimes things are tough but having someone who will love and support you through the good and bad times is so important. We have that and I know that on our life journey together (sorry to get all Oprah on you), we will encounter many hiccups but we're here for each other so all will be well. All I can say is THANK GOOD FOR BLOGGING AS THERAPY!!!

Lift our spirits

Isolation. Hurt. Confusion. Fear. Anger. Desperation. Just a few of things I’m feeling right now.

H2B is stressed with his job situation and has been home for the last 10 days. On the whole, I’ve really enjoyed him being here with me but over the last 2 days in particular, it has been rather stressful. He appears to be sinking further into some form of mild depression that, like most people in his state, he cannot see. I have tried everything – joking, watching films of his choice, making him kick-arse pancakes, the allure of love-making (he’s sooooo not interested but more on that later…), assisting him to find a good lawyer, writing legal letters, kisses and nothing, he just sinks further into this low state. I know he appreciates my help. I don’t doubt that but please baby, please cheer up!

It’s strange because a few days ago whilst I was out, he did all of the housework, ordered the most gorgeous bunch of red roses for me and treated me like such an angel. I was pleasantly surprised! He’s such a loving man and it really hurts me to see him like this. Anybody in my situation would have difficulty dealing with this but the hardest part is that he is usually such a happy, bouncing, glass-half-full type of guy. I’m the one who gets depressed and feels as though the world is about to end if I forget to tape yet another rerun of the Gilmore girls!

Sexually things are pretty much nonexistent. I know he’s stressed and has explained that he cannot relax properly because he so preoccupied with the catastrophe that is work right now. I 100% believe him when he says it’s not about me. I know he loves me and that we’ll spend the rest of our lives together but it still hurts beyond all belief to be rejected by the man you love.

The worst part is that I feel awful to complain, awful to trouble him with my issues because he takes it so badly. He doesn’t see that I just want us to be ‘fixed’. Maybe he does but is so clouded by the things we’re going through now. I say “we’re” because I am living through this with him. I love him and am 100% on his side but no matter what I do, nothing seems to lift his spirits. I feel so frustrated with both of us. So frustrated that I am incapable of helping the one person who needs me. I am a carer – that’s my personality. Yes, of course I love to receive attention, affection, consideration, help, love and so on but I am far more at ease in the role of caregiver. To be in this role and be ineffective pains me beyond belief. There are few times in my life when I am completely at a loss. This, my friends, is one of those moments.

I feel isolated because everyone wants to talk about lovey-dovey wedding plans. I want to talk about our lovey-dovey wedding plans but can’t because it’s just another thing for him to think about and he is far too stressed for that. I cannot talk to my friends or family about this because nobody understands. I am in no-mans-land! So what do I do? I just watch him whilst he’s fast asleep, tears trickling down my face and constantly saying (in my head) “wake up, look at me, kiss me, tell me how much you love me”. I’m a real saddo huh?! Answers on a postcard.

Even sadder, today marks 2 months since we became engaged.

Just don't leave me jilted...

My H2B is just a darling: last night he just sat and watched the SATC film with me AND he actually liked it! Now, I didn’t see that happening! The wedding theme was actually quite good because we were able to discuss exactly what we want our wedding to be. Prior to being engaged, I never actually thought about a wedding. Sure, I sort of knew I wanted to be married, but the actual wedding didn’t really feature. Now, I find myself becoming obsessed with £5000 dresses, flower arrangements, wedding favours, honeymoon locations and all sorts of stuff. The strange thing is that I can now see myself sitting in our garden with our daughter, showing her photographs of when mummy and daddy got married. All of the things I never knew were important to me are suddenly a big deal. I’m scared of “doing a Carrie” and making the wedding bigger than us. When we were watching, I started to cry when Big jilted Miss Bradshaw and just as I was about to speak, H2B laughed and said “it’s just a film and no, I won’t do that to you”. Love him.

When we initially spoke about our wedding, I made it clear that my interest is being married to Mr Marseille and cementing our commitment to each other for the rest of our lives. Now we’re up to 50 guests and it’s freaking us out – how did it come to this? I have 8 people on my invitee list and the remainder are his friends and family-in-law (to be). The two of us are getting married and I want him to invite everyone he wants to invite (and I want everyone we love to witness our union) but I feel a wee bit overwhelmed.

Yesterday, we were discussing the wedding favours and I just started to cry. He made the comment that people in France will be expecting ‘dragees’ AKA the traditional sugared almonds. I had to remind H2B that this is our wedding and we have to be happy and trust me people, sugared almonds are not going to make this chick happy! Weddings are such a touchy thing because you never really know where you stand – you’re so eager to be happy but want to please everyone else. All I want is to be Mr Marseille’s wife…

My favourite wedding books

7 weeks after our engagement, I find myself shifting through magazines and books. Here are a small selection of my favourite books so far:

- The Wedding Planner by Carole Hamilton

- The Bride's Book by Carole Hamilton

- Simple Stunning Weddings by Karen Bussen

Gorgeous gowns

An array of gorgeous gowns from Temperley, Reem Acra, Vera Wang and Monique L'huillier. I tend to favour slim fitting strapless numbers. Views?

Where do the questions end?

They say you should plan your wedding around your budget but if you have no idea what wedding venues charge, it's pratically impossible. Having found what appears to be the perfect venue, I sent them an ever-expanding list of questions:

- Is the venue available X?
- Will we have use of the hotel gardens?
- Is there an option for a marquee?
- Are all tables, chairs, cutlery, crockery, glassware, candles and linens included in the price?
- We will be approx X people for the blessing and a total of X for the reception. Can the hotel accommodate us?
- What % deposit do we pay?
- Is there an on-site events coordinator to assist with the smooth running of the day?
- We would like to have our blessing at approx X and sit down for lunch at around X. Can the hotel work with these times?
- Is there a specific time the venue insists that the reception finishes?
- Does the catering team have experience preparing wedding cakes? If so, is it included in the price? If not, is there a charge for bringing our own cake?
- Would the hotel staff be willing to arrange the tables as per our choosing?
- Can you/the venue suggest a company to assist with party favours?
- Would we be able to discuss with the hotel's florist and ensure that the floral arrangements suit our needs/wedding style?
- Is there a cancellation policy?
- How many available parking spaces will there be?

Have I forgotten anything?

Time to invest in some waterproof mascara?

Amongst various skills, experience and education required for certain jobs, you also need certain characteristics. I never reply to job vacancies requiring a “thick-skinned” person. I like to think that I know exactly what I want, that I’m strong and assertive but I am also Little Miss Emotional. Sometimes, I wish I could be a little bit more thick-skinned and less emotional – my feelings always end up being hurt and I am forever crying. Sometimes I just wish everybody could be nicer to each other and we’d all run around town with smiles on our faces! According to my astrological sign, Cancerian, being emotional is one of the key traits so hey, I guess I’m stuck with being this way...

Never tired of sex...

H2B is such a sweetheart and watched the final 3 episodes of SATC with me. The man was so bored but he still stayed with me! That’s love people ☺ You know, I never get bored of watching those last few episodes with The Russian – most SATC fans didn’t really get him but I adored him. No, not particularly attractive but charming, funny and he offers Carrie so many new and exciting experiences, pushing her beyond the boundaries of her normal life. We all love Mr Big but I simply adore the class and intrigue of Aleksandr Petrovsky.

This past weekend, we went to Paris to celebrate H2B’s sister’s birthday. It was a really nice celebration, particularly since we were also celebrating her pregnancy (10 weeks). Something so wonderful about having a baby in the family, which got me to thinking about how much I want to have Mr Marseille’s babies. I wish we could try for a baby now but have both agreed to wait until after the wedding. It’s difficult because we want to spend time alone together as a married couple but we’re also eager to start a family. I keep reminding myself that we have the rest of our lives together so there is no rush but it’s so frustrating. Marriage first Milla…

Why did it take me so long to watch these videos!?

Too funny!!

Rockin' body, beautiful face, sweet personality...

...but my God, Beyoncé is so GHETTO :( Respect for dancing in those shoes though!!

"There isn't enough wall space in New York City to hang all of my exes."

This quote from Samantha wouldn't be out of place if my h2b said it...

You know, SATC is great in so many ways but you know what I really like? The fact that when a relationship ends, the character is generally removed from the show. Why oh why can't real life be like that? I am so sick of seeing Mr Marseille's exes on his Facebook. Childish but it’s how I feel. I sound insecure and jealous, which is just about right but the question is "why?". We're together forever, I know that but I have never had to deal with my guy's exes. I bloody hate it.

Loneliness in Paris

I worry, quite often, that I will be lonely in Paris. H2b and I tend to spend most of our time together but once we move to Paris, we'll be in a town with his family and friends. After 8 years of living London, it would only be normal for him to want to spend as much time as possible with them but:

a. What if there is no common language?
b. What if I just don't 'click' with his friends?
c. What if I'm selfish and want him to myself?!

He has assured me that everything will be fine and that we are moving there together, as a couple - nothing will change. I love him so much for telling me that. Unfortunately, I'm not 100% convinced.

Golden Girl

She always looks great in gold! Seriously, does Kate ever look bad!? No people, NO!!

誰も知らない

『ワンダフルライフ』『ディスタンス』の是枝裕和による、劇場用長編第4作。1988年に東京で実際に起きた「子ども置き去り事件」をモチーフにし、母親に置き去りにされた4人の子どもたちが、彼らだけの生活を続ける約1年を描いている。撮影にも1年以上をかけた入魂の一作だ。
撮影時、子どもたちに台本は渡されず、監督のその場の指示で演技させたという。そんな独特の演出スタイルによって生み出された、生々しくもみずみずしい空気感が素晴らしい。彼らの感情が、頭を介してではなく心に直に入ってくるような不思議な感覚を覚える。そんなセミ・ドキュメンタリー的手法の一方でドラマとしての求心力を失うことがないあたりも監督の力量を感じるところだ。
カンヌ映画祭において、最優秀男優賞を史上最年少で受賞した柳楽優弥をはじめ、子どもたち全員の存在感が白眉。母親を演じたYOUら大人のキャストも見事にその世界に寄り添っている。（安川正吾）

Lately, I've really been missing Japan :-(

Well, Well, Well - French style!

Mon fiancé pense que je parle anglaise comme ceci. Nice!!

Weekend of film

This weekend, I found myself unintentionally watching 2 amazing films:

- Hard Candy

This budget film featuring exceptional performances from Ellen Page and Patrick Wilson. Ellen plays a psychotic (but oh so sarcastic and funny) 14 year-old girl who has been talking online with older man Patrick Wilson. The film shows scenes of a day the two spend together at Patrick’s home. What you are expecting is turned upside down as the predator becomes the prey. The disturbing thing is that Ellen looks so sweet and innocent (and acts her little socks off). I would describe the film as a psychology drama and highly recommend it.

- Sicko

You all know that I’m not exactly a fan of all things American but watching this 2-hour documentary just made my blood boil. I often complain about people using the NHS (the UK’s health system) for BS such as headaches, self-induced obesity and related illnesses, alcohol abuse and so on, but I believe that we should all, regardless of age, education, income, race, gender etc, be entitled to education and health care as is offered in the UK. It broke my heart to see all of the individuals suffering because they simply couldn’t afford medical care, but the thing that made me so f-ing angry was hearing about the medical professions denying people treatment due to financial issues. Watching one mother talk about the hospital that denied to treat her small daughter because the hospital wasn’t one of her medical insurers hospitals. Her daughter died shortly after. How can you, as a medically trained person/institute, turn a sick person away? I really don’t understand. Sickening.

The best part of the film? When Michael asked the British doctor in a London-based hospital “Have you ever refused medical care to someone because they couldn’t pay?”. The doctor turned to him and said “No, never and I wouldn’t want to work in a place like that.”. Amen!!

Adulthood

My husband-to-be has decided that he is “over” his job and has basically decided to quit. He’s decided that the transfer to Paris will be our back up plan but basically he’s looking for a new Paris-based job. To sum up people, we could be leaving London within the next 4 weeks. Suddenly, it all seems very real and scary… I’ve been trying to figure out just why the idea of my dream becoming a reality scares me so much. Maybe because (to some degree) I see it as a final step. We’ll be married, have a new home and start a family. It suddenly dawned on me that I’m an adult now and to be honest, I’m entirely sure about adulthood :-) Yes, I’m almost 28 years old but you know, you never really feel yourself growing up. It’s all different now and I have to get with it!

I often think about what our life in Paris will be like. Will my husband-to-be be working all the time? Will I need to work in order for us to have a ‘decent’ life (bloody hope not)? Will I be able to find a job? Will he be supportive of the fact that even though I know Paris, living there will be very different and I may need time to adjust? I love him, know that I want us to hurry and start a life together in Paris but still, I think these questions are quite normal.

I’m excited, anxious, happy and when I think about it too much, I feel a little nauseous! I’m excited about searching for house together, choosing something that suits our needs and tastes and making it into “our space”. Recently, we discussed just what we want/expect once we’re married. Fortunately, we both came to the same conclusion that we want our relationship to be what it is – that marriage isn’t about changing everything, it’s about confirming our feelings and desire to spend our lives together.

The wedding planning is going well… More on that later.

Haven't found a venue but have my eye on a dress - girls rock!!

The worst thing about choosing a wedding dress is that I have so many ideas and the person I really want to share it with is my husband-to-be AKA, the one person I have to keep it a secret from :( I have no idea as to what to go for but so far, my favourite designers/lines are Giambattista Valli, Jesus Peiro and Valentino Sposa. I have an appointment at Pronovias this Friday so we'll start there... I love these "By appointment only" stores!!

What do you think of the Giambattista Valli gown above? Lovesit!

Laughs

I love this show!!

Blogging makes me happy

No time for blogging :( I've been so busy with my Japanese lessons, have just enrolled in French school (encore une fois) and am busy planning our intimate little wedding + we're moving home and country! Back soon...

Thailand = land of happy surprises

We arrived back yesterday morning after an exhausting 23 hour journey (should have taken 15 hours or so) thanks to poor weather in Thailand and traffic congestion over Afganistan (of all places). Where shall I start? 10 days in heaven with my sweetie – what a fabulous time we had! Most of the time, we lazed about on the beach/in our villa – I’m like 3 shades darker than before and don’t worry people, I used SPF 30; need to ward off those wrinkles! Thai people are so sweet!! Really! Every time I go to Asia, I’m just so astounded by how gracious people are. Service takes on a whole new meaning. Us Westerners could learn a thing or two from the East.

Prior to our trip, I had only tried Thai food twice and let’s just say I wasn’t a fan! In fact, whenever people would ask me what type of food I like, I would always respond “anything but Mexican and Thai”. Oh baby, I have seen the error of my ways and tried every possible type of Thai food – DELICIOUS!!! The freshness of the fruit and vegetables was amazing; I basically lived on virgin coladas (fresh coconut milk and fresh pineapple whizzed up and served in the coconut shell) – heaven.

Samui is a lovely place but sadly, some parts of the island (Chaweng and Lamai) have pretty much been taken over by Westerners; pizzerias, fish & chip shops, no Asian people in sight, Irish pubs and the worst thing of all, commen men (usually much older with beer guts) walking around topless with some 18 year old Thai chick. So wrong. We stayed in a secluded part of the island on a lovely resort in our own little villa with private beaches, a great spa and no noise except for nature and guitar players at dinner. It was wonderful. Photos to follow.

On 28 March, Mr Marseille took me to Samui Butterfly Gardens. We had such fun looking at the hundreds of butterflies gliding freely through the gardens, then up further to the bee huts stopping continuously to kiss and take photographs. Boy, it was so hot! We reached the “view-point” took some more photographs. Such a beautiful view and we were able to see the Ang-Thong islands from there. As we were about to go down, Mr Marseille suggested we go right to the top. Given just how steep it was, I can’t say that I was keen but he was rather persuasive. I was still eating my apple, which he kept trying to get me to throw away. Finally, I did and we started to kiss and soon he was gently kissing my neck, slowly over my breast and then to my abs and suddenly there he was, on one knee staring at me with those beautiful brown eyes. He told my left hand into his trembling hands and said

“Milla, est ce que tu veux devenir ma femme?” (That’s “Will you be my wife?” for the non-French speakers).

I was so shocked. I just didn’t see it happening. My first response was

“ Are you kidding?!”

“No” he said with a nervous smile.

“Oh my God!” I said staring at him, covering my mouth to stop me screaming!

“ I have something for you.” Out comes a ring box, with the exact ring we had looked at together 6 or so weeks ago. The ring he wasn’t too keen on (it was all an act!).

At this point, I’m just stunned. I didn’t really know what to do, what to say, how I should feel. I just knew that I was happy and full of questions. We’d been kissing and touching all morning and I certainly hadn’t felt a ring box in his pocket. No jokes people :)

“Yes, of course I will be your wife.” He put the ring on my finger and kissed me with so much love. It was perfect. Just perfect. You know, when we talked about marriage, I wasn’t 100% sure that he was ready. How wrong was I?! Time to let go of the past and move on – focus on OUR life today and OUR future and not on my past.

So now we’re home, even more in love and looking to the future. When will we get married? Definitely not this year with moving home/country etc but Mr Marseille has, much to my delight, said that a year is long enough to be engaged. Weddings have never been a huge deal to me – I don’t want some Hollywood production! I want to people we love to be there, to witness our happy union, I want for everyone to have a joyful day and most of all, for us to add another wonderful memory to the list. I’m so freaking happy!!

xx

Thailand here we come!!

I'm all packed and am now enjoying a late lunch. In 5.5 hours, I'll be on a plane - I so need a break...

Write soon...

Our world - our actions

Is ‘Unreported World’ the best programme on television? YES, YES, YES!!! Far from easy viewing though - seeing people being beaten and dead bodies is way outside of my comfort zone. I love the courage of the reporters and I am so happy/grateful that we live in a country that allows us to see what is going on in the world. The UK is so far from perfect but by watching this programme, I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am.

The first episode of this series (season to my American readers) was filmed in Congo and Uganda and focuses on the devastation caused by the LRA rebels. These bastards don’t just go into villages and steal, rape, kidnap and shoot innocent people, they prolong the attacks by tying them together (including pregnant women and babies) and then beat them over the head with sticks, homemade clubs and bricks until their skulls cave in. I cannot imagine killing someone and at the end of the day, a murderer is a murderer, but mentally, if such a large number of people are able to listen to the screams, see the blood, feel the terror of the victims and continue on that path, how do we stand a chance of stopping them? They are not fighting for a cause/freedom; they almost seem to enjoy it. Tragic.

The second episode was set in Cambodia. It centres on the land development of in the main city of Phnom Penh and the struggle between the poor residents and land developers (who are in cahoots with the government). People are being evicted from their homes – some offered a tiny piece of financial compensation, others beaten out of their homes. Watching as their homes are set alight, being refused access to “whites-only” beaches and seeing no end in sight, I feel so angry and sorry for these victims. Many of the victims of the land disputes/land robbery are survivors of the Khmer Rouge and now they have to continue with fighting for their rights. What a messed up world.

I wonder how much we (tourists) play in this as many of the slums/pieces of land are being sold to develop luxury hotels and apartments for tourists. I mean, if you’re heading to country X, how many of you are willing stay at a hotel without adequate sanitation? I’ve never so much as been camping in the local British countryside, let alone plane hopped to some unmodernised place without running water, so do I have a direct impact on the lives of these poor people? Just as we often forget about how our daily lives impact global warming, do we need to start being a more aware of how our vacations affect others?

Vacation time (almost)

In less than 48 hours, Mr Marseille and I will be on a plane bound for Bangkok to catch a connection to Ko Samui: 10 days in our private villa with no internet access, ocean view, 35 degrees and nothing but sand, sea and plenty of frolics. I cannot wait!! This is definitely what we need right now. Things are going well and we’ve decided to put all the BS behind us, live in the present and look to the future. Fingers crossed everything will be okay. I’ve finally realised that - he is who he is and I have accept him or leave him. I choose the former.

So pretty much taking my normal raw diet to the extreme over the next few days - I don’t think my juicer has every worked so bloody hard! Nothing beats a ginger, fennel, beetroot and carrot juice. Just heaven! Hopefully I can lose a few more pounds before I need to wear a bikini on Wednesday…

Is this the beginning of the end?

Last night I started to write a list of all the things that trouble me about my relationship with Mr Marseille, and was surprised to find that the list kept expanding…

- I constantly feel as though his past relationships are hanging around our necks. He seems unable, and more frustratingly, unwilling to leave the past in the past. Just two days ago, we were talking about moving to Paris in relation to our telephone contracts. He stated that he would be keeping him UK number to ‘keep in touch’. Why not just give everybody your new French number? Who are you hoping will call? New chapter, new number.

- TRUST, TRUST, TRUST – where art thou??? You know why.

- On our 3rd date, we went ice-skating (my first time). It was so much fun! He took some photographs of me, which instantly bothered me. Yes, the photos are nice and we can now look at them positively but I couldn’t help but wonder: why are taking photographs of me? You don’t even know me! It made me feel uneasy as I felt (and he has since confirmed) that this is just something he does, not because he’s crazy about me. That knowledge makes me feel very unimportant and as though I could be anybody. It makes me feel as though I could be replaced in 5 minutes.

- I feel as though the only thing he hasn’t done is get married. Do I have to marry him just to feel unique?? What if we get married and I feel the same? Speaking of marriage, I feel as though the wedding would be what he wants – a family reunion. I just want a small, quite service followed by an intimate get together. We’re talked about it so many times and I thought we finally agreed on what we wanted but deep down, I still think our views are different.

- I’m not a fan of chit-chat over drinks/dinner with strangers. I like to appreciate a nice place, enjoy drinks and share food with people who matter to me. Anyhow, a couple of months ago, I was on girlfriend-duty and met some of his work colleagues and their girlfriends. Everyone seemed pleasant but there was one woman I instantly took a dislike to. Have you ever met someone and with no/very few words, you feel as though you need to emotionally protect yourself from them? This bitch was one of them. She was so f-ing rude to me: “Do you speak French?” “No” I answered (wasn't about to have my French mocked by super bitch). She then said “do you mind if we speak French?” Isn’t that the rudest thing ever?! The thing that pissed me off is that a. when we got home, he was mad at me for going outside for a while (in order to prevent myself telling the French bitch exactly what I thought), b. he defended her saying it was because she lacks confidence in speaking English and c. he still speaks to her. Not cool.

- Paris, oh Paris, Paris, Paris! The plan is to move there together. I’ve quit my job, I have the money and I’m ready to go now, yet I’m still here. He’ll hand in his notice at the beginning of April and hopefully his current company will have a position available for him in Paris within 3 months. If not, he’s talking about September. I agreed but the more I think about it, the more the idea of waiting until September makes me want to punch myself!! I am so bored of London now. I need something new. We have talked things over so many times and in the moment, I feel reassured but every now and again, I start to wonder about the life we’ll lead in Paris. I have this sinking feeling that it’ll be his life, not ours and yep, we’ll be stepping back into his past.


What should I do?

What happens in Vegas...

"If I could make someone dead with my mind, it would be you!" Funny quote from the film.

Cameron and Ashton work so well together.

My heart

I just heard Paris referred to as "an incredible sophistication never seen before". So bloody true. I miss it.

I have a secret.

Just after Christmas, I decided to end my life. Not because I was insane, desperate, ill or depressed but because I sort of had enough of this life and wanted to start over. It was a very intense period for me and I literally spent most of the time crying, not because I was going to die but because I felt relieved. I felt ready. If I die tomorrow, I never learnt how to surf, I never lived in Paris, I never spent that £2000 on the most gorgeous Chanel bag known to man and I never got married. I did however travel to so many amazing places, I did make the most wonderful friends, I did take a risk and move to New York knowing only one (wonderful) person, I did have a sugar daddy(!), I did spend a miserable week juice dieting (I like to chew, what can I tell you?!), I did choose happiness over a job, I have visited all of the countries & cities I dreamt about as a child and I did fall in love. All in all, not too shabby!

I decided where – Paris, of course. I went to great detail – reserved my favourite suite at my favourite hotel. Thought about the cards/letters I would send to my loved ones as well as a ”I’m sorry you had to experience this” little note for the person who found my body, the song for Mr Marseille, what I would say and I set about finding the perfect “goodbye” quotes. I thought about how I’d spend the day, what I’d eat and drink – sushi followed by champagne and macaroons, what music I’d listen to, the bath I’d take before you-know-what, the hours I’d spend perfecting my make-up, the gorgeous black dress I’d be found in (still hanging in my closet) and those delectable Manolo Blahnik black pumps I’d be wearing. I even thought of the nail colour I’d wear.

I thought about the last moments I would spend with those close to me – dinner with my family, brunch with Missy and a weekend with Mr Marseilles. What would I say to them? Nothing, just hugs, kisses and then send them cards/letters on my ‘last day’. I recall having brunch with Missy about 7-8 weeks ago and wanting so desperately to tell her what was going though my head. Instead, I just hugged her and told her how much I loved and appreciated her.

So here I am. Alive. Why? I still haven’t figured that out.

PS – I’m not feeling down/depressed/sad. Just sharing.

Original or circa 2009?

I’ve been dreaming about living in Paris since I was 14 years old. It always seemed like somewhat of a fantasy but as I reached my twenties and started to travel there frequently, my addiction/love/fascination with all that is Parisian simply increased. For years I’ve wondered why I chose to move to Brussels and then to New York instead of heading to where I feel I belong – Paris. In hindsight, it was probably a good thing – I just wasn’t in the right place mentally to appreciate it.

This morning I jokingly said to my boyfriend

“my work here is almost done”

when he responded positively to my question as to whether he had moisturised. I say this without being conceited – his life has changed positively since meeting me. Yes, I base this theory on his feedback but also on my own observations; he never ate fruit or vegetables, he has someone (moi!) who cares for the apartment/his family/him, I’m emotionally supportive etc. Just this morning he sent me an email to say:

“Bear in mind that meeting you is the best thing that ever happened to me…”

It feels good to have had a positive impact on somebody else’s life, particularly someone close to me.

So here I am thinking about the move to Paris and it suddenly dawned on me that this isn’t about my boyfriend, about when I go or about what I’ll do there; it’s about me. It’s always been about me. The more we talk about Paris, the more excited and anxious I become. This is my dream and I have never so much as dreamt about moving there with anybody else. Is there room in my fantasy for him? Is it time to let the fantasy go and get with real life? On Sunday, we went to Harrods for a little shopping and stopped at Ladurée for a little champagne and some delightful macaroons. With my glass in hand, feeling a wee bit tipsy, I remarked

“This is how I see my life in Paris.”

We laughed but you know, I wasn’t kidding – shopping, champagne, no stress, fun – that’s how I imagined it. A shallow point is that I always thought my life in Paris would be spent a. alone or b. with someone as carefree as I am. I have always been alone – in my childhood and up until 5 months ago. This is a life changing relationship. I have to decide who I am and where I am going. I have been waiting for something to come along and make that choice for me but clearly I need to be proactive. In the back of my mind I thought that time and the world was standing still waiting for me to do just that mais non, time has not stood still and I am getting older.

I need to find myself and I feel as though I cannot construct my work-in-progress identity right now. I feel obliged to be the character people see me as and this makes it hard to be true to myself. So Paris awaits my arrival but I have to decide whether to go as the original Milla – eternal single girl more interested in baking cakes, shoes, orgasms, travel and cocktails or version 2009 – housewife type, loved, cared for, craving luxury, happy and feeling a wee bit lost. Who do you want to be Milla?

More to do

I’ve been thinking about all of things I want to do – time-consuming, trivial, fun, important, scary etc. Here goes (in no particular order):

- Be fluent in Japanese
- Have the above hairstyle (love the fringe*!)
- Learn to surf
- Date a woman again
- Live in Paris
- Swim naked in the sea
- Get married

I have done some wonderful things in my 27 years but as time progresses, I feel sure that there are so many more amazing memories to make. What am I waiting for?

*Bangs to my American readers :)

Pretty woman

Too many rings but my goodness, Julia looks good :)

Hacker

From trying on engagements rings last week to discovering that my email address had been hacked into by Mr Marseille to being led to believe it was the work of some IT geek in our building to a hectic and romantic weekend to receiving some I-know-you-don’t-want-to-hear-this-because-it-hurts-but-you-need-to-listen-and-take-heed advice to being here, wondering just what the hell I’m doing.

Mr Marseille violated my privacy by looking at my blog, he searched Facebook to check out a friend’s profile and now that my email account has been hacked into, I’m left wondering whether it’s just complete coincidence or if I’m being manipulated. I don’t want to play a game – I want a real, loving, lasting relationship full of trust, respect, mutual goals etc. I just don’t know where we stand anymore. I don’t know if my strong desire to believe in him and ultimately us is driving me forward for if it’s good ole stupidity.

I know this isn't my trust issues; my trust issues didn't go against their promise to keep my blog private nor did they hack into my email account. The weird thing is that now I'm so cautious about using my email. What am I going to do????

Weekend of Milla

It’s a little after 0600 and I’m wide-awake. Mr Marseille is away this weekend and I really miss him. Things have been going well between us and it’s weird not to have him here. Is this what life would be like as a single girl again? Suddenly, I’m not so sure that that life is for me… He’s very good to me, loves me and accepts a whole load of BS that most guys wouldn’t! I’m pretty lucky.

I’m meeting Missy for brunch and a good ole catch-up, which will be fun. Other that that, I’m going to enjoy my space, do laundry, tidy the apartment, buy groceries and just relax. Friday was my last day at work so I’m looking forward to having some free time to focus on myself, my wellbeing, getting back into a gym routine and finally having time to bake. I’ve discovered that I’m pretty good at this housewife thing so hopefully Mr Marseille will enjoy me being at home so much, he’ll never want me to go to work…

Women will be women

Isn’t Cleopatra one of the best films ever made? The passion, the costume, the make-up, the music and the fact that Marc Anthony (played by Richard Burton) constantly uses the word ‘fabulous’ rather amuses me. Such a powerful love story with very strong acting. Watching Cleopatra lose the plot after discovering that the love of her life has betrayed and then continues to humiliate him:

“I asked it of Julius Caesar, I demand it of you. You will kneel.”

Tell him girl!!!

I bloody love Elizabeth Taylor in this role. The bitter, confident, you-dare-reject-me attitude of someone who has had her heartbroken – been there, done that! She’s just such a woman (and my God, her figure is just amazing!!). We haven’t changed since 43 AD!

Define romance please

Valentine’s day never really meant anything to me because a. all seems a wee bit artificial or b. having generally been single or having a long distance relationship. Being single on 14 February isn’t as sad as it sounds because you save loads of £££ on gifts (!) and/or you have a fab night out with your girlie friends. This year, Mr Marseille called me at work late Friday afternoon and said that he wanted to go away for the weekend and could he book (i.e. was I free). Since I had to be back at work on Monday, he arranged something within the UK. Off we set on Friday evening and arrived a few hours later in the coastal town of Bournemouth! Despite staying at the shabbiest hotel known to man, we had a wonderful time. Seriously people, I have NEVER had the misfortune of staying in such a crap place before – boy did we laugh about it! Luckily our room was huge, clean and nice but the rest was a complete dive.

So we woke up on the dreaded Valentine’s Day, kissed and I waited for him to wish me a happy V-day. He didn’t so I went first. We spent a lazy morning in bed before heading out for a drive, lunch and a lovely walk on the beach. It was cold, windy but so beautiful and pretty darn romantic. We took photographs, laughed, kissed and basically enjoyed being away from home. I gave him a card with a cute little message. We continued walking...

The following day was our 4-month anniversary and following the debacle that was our 3rd, I was rather wary but he had mentioned it a few times so I wanted it to be very romantic. I was hopeful that he might try to make up for the last month’s crappy occasion. Again, we awoke with me waiting for him to wish me a happy anniversary. Surprise surprise – I went first. I know - little detail but...

We had been talking about choosing some frames for our photographs et voila, when we arrive home, there was a framed photograph of us in the lounge. A nice memento for both of us. Cute :)

Off we went to watch ’Slumdog Millionaire’ (my second time) which was great. Strolling back home I thanked him for a lovely evening and with a huge smile on my face, I said

“We’ve had such a wonderful weekend and I haven’t even given you your gifts yet.”

For a nanosecond, there it was – a look of horror as he realised that I had an anniversary gift for him. And for me, just pain because I knew there was no surprise, no effort for me. The weekend away was wonderful but it wasn’t an anniversary gift just for me – he wanted to get out of London just as much as I did. Yes, he gives more financially to the relationship, is a man so possibly romantically challenged and yes, he ordered flowers for when we arrived but it’s not the same. I went to so much effort and chose nice things that I thought he’d like and appreciate – a new tie, cufflinks, a decadent hand moisturiser (much needed!) etc. I even went to Harrods to get a customised handmade chocolate heart (I wrote a little message which goes inside the heart). All I wanted was a little something that said ‘this is just for you Milla because you’re unique to me and I love you’. No card. No gift. Nothing.

Am I ungrateful?

Hot mama

Is it just me or is Madonna still H-O-T!?