Love - SATC style

Our favourite couple somehow managed to make it through all of the BS including marrying/becoming engaged to different people, insecurities, moving continents, affairs, fear and confusion to finally end up happily married. If they can do it, we all can!!

2010 resolutions

Setting oneself New Year Resolutions is always tricky because it gets to March, if not before, one's enthusiasm starts to flag. Last year was amazing, as I'm hoping 2010 will be. As I started to complete my list of 2010 resolutions, I was consumed by how much I actually want to do! Here goes (in no particular order):

 Make curtains for our lounge using my fancy new sewing machine
 Sit the level 2 JLPT in December
 Give up sweets (candy to my American friends)
 Do something for charity
 Remember that 2010 is the year of happiness
 Take a sewing class
 Give up alcohol until our wedding
 Take a daily nap
 Lose 3 kilos to achieve my target weight of 50 kilos (by June)
 Not to complain as much, it's exhausting!
 Take a French class
 Donate blood
 Give up magazines*
 Be American once a week and see a shrink :-)
 To get back to my healthy lifestyle of raw food, juicing, yoga and happiness
 Spend more quality time with my Frenchie
 45 minutes of exercise every single day
 Get to know Paris a wee bit better
 Read The Economist* every week whilst lazing on the sofa with a mug of nettle tea
 Try to put myself first sometimes AND not feel guilty about it

Last but by no means least, LET GO! Stop needing to be in control of everything – do I really need to know what I'll be doing next Wednesday at 1534?! No Milla, NO!!

*Exception: The Economist and Wedding magazines.

Happy 2010

So here we are, 2010, already. 2009 was the year of so many downs and so many life-changing ups; adjusting to life as 2 people, becoming engaged to the loveliest man, friendships ending, sitting my JLPT, leaving friends and family behind and moving to Paris to start a new life with H2B. Pretty amazing really.

At the beginning of 2009, I was in love and looking forward to seeing how things would work out with H2B. Little did I know that Abbas would become my fiancé and we would start to plan a future together, and here we are; living in Paris and planning our wedding in 7 months. Isn't life fabulous?!

Thank you 2009, you were amazing!

Update - life in Paris

Well here I am on day 13 of my new life in Paris and thought I’d give you a wee update…

Home:

We still haven’t found an apartment, and I assure you, it’s not for want of trying! You know me, I love the French but they are the most illogical people in all the land! Firstly, they have this ridiculous law which stipulates that the landlord cannot evict a non-paying tenant during the winter months. Great for Mr I-want-a-free-winter-in-Paris, not so great for the landlord/prospective tenants like us. This law obviously makes landlords a bit jumpy and so getting approved by the landlord is no walk in the park. Next, they want every piece of documentation possible – employment contract, payslips, tax info, passport, favourite ice-cream flavour etc… On top of that, they want you to have a guarantor. Now here’s the illogical bit: any normal person would think that a guarantor has to have a higher income that ours. Not in France people. Not in France! They just need someone with a French bank account. Please explain how that makes sense?!

So you provide all this info to some random landlord and hope that he picks you. Not only that, you’re giving all of your personal data to some random person. What’s French for identity theft?! Who knew we’d have to ask someone if we can pay them a couple thousand euro per month!? Not impressed.

Last night, Abbas started talking about moving to Singapore or Madagascar so I think that means he has had enough… Tokyo is sadly not an option (yes, I already ask…) :-( Maybe Paris won’t be home for much longer…

Food:

Now, we all know that Milla loves good food but nothing prepared me for my new love affair with French cuisine – brioche, yoghurts, cakes, even the vegetables taste different and don’t even get me started on the cheese! You can actually taste things here – herbs, vegetables, fruit – if it says strawberry gateaux, you taste fresh strawberries not just sugar as in the UK/US. The effort and love that goes into French cuisine is wonderful – cooking and enjoying a meal is about coming together, talking, laughing, and sharing happiness and love, not just gulping down some pre-packed rubbish. Yesterday, I ate boeuf bourguignon avec pommes vapeur. Oh la la! I sat in a little brasserie with my Kanji book and was taken to culinary heaven. Who knew boiling potatoes was an art!? Sounds absolutely ridiculous but I have never had such delicious potatoes! This was followed by the creamiest crème brûlée known to Milla. Heavenly! In addition to food here, I had my first coffee in about 12 years and I have to tell you that enjoyed every drop J The joke is that I’ve been eating nonstop and have lost almost 2 kilos in 13 days…

Culture:

I went to mass at Sacre-coeur, which was lovely. I haven’t seen a nun since I left high school (yes, I went to a strict Catholic school between 4-16 years of age – explains a lot!), yet they were in abundance and sounded so angelic. Beautiful. Where else have I been… Notre-dame, the Jewish memorial for the deported, Jardin des plantes (Kew Gardens Parisian style), École Militaire, Muséum national d'Histoire naturelle (natural history museum), Tour Eiffel (Eiffel tower), Le Mémorial de la Shoah (Shoah memorial for the 6 million European Jews who died in Nazi camps), Grande Mosquée de Paris (Grand mosque of Paris - the most amazing mosaics), the Panthéon, l'Institut Curie (Pierre and Marie Curie museum), l'Institut du monde arabe (the World Arab institute) etc. It is quite interested and deeply saddening to see many of the school buildings with a plaque remembering the children who were sent to Nazi camps. I will never understand such cruelty against humanity. For anybody who knows Paris, I walked from the 15eme to the 20eme, the 18eme to the 13eme - yes people, I really am a tourist and have sore feet!

You’ll always find scruffy people roams the streets but in Paris, people really do seem to have that understated glam we hear so much about, I’ve noticed that I take time to dress with even more care, always wear earrings and keep my attire chic and simple. French women are some simple and elegant and I don’t want to let the British side down!

Despite all of the fun and interesting things, I feel pretty lonely, which is strange for me since I tend to do things alone. This will probably change once we find an apartment or move again. Paris is such a beautiful city and hopefully in time I will meet people to enjoy it with. In the interim, I’m studying for my JLPT which will be held on 6th December so wish me luck! I joined 2 Japanese groups which meet to speak Japanese, go to Japanese events (film, demonstrations, art etc) and eat Japanese food! Japanese in Paris – fabulous!

I’ll keep you updated…

Goodbye London. Hello Paris.

I leave tomorrow morning. Excited and anxious. See you on the other side...

Time out

Weird but I'm so busy and feeling pretty blue that blogging is the last thing on my mind. I have somehow learnt to deal with my emotions internally, which is not a good thing and leads me to have some very dark moments AND worse still, my insomnia has returned. By not blogging, I am somehow avoiding my thoughts and feelings. Until I know how to articulate them, I'm going to take a break from this blog.

X

A little Friday Kate...

More perfection from Kate!

Opening Pandora’s box

In addition to couple’s counselling, I also started my own therapy sessions at the beginning of the week. This evening will mark session 2… Pre-first session, I was dreading it. How foolish! I cannot explain how nice it was to have somebody LISTEN to me. Nothing else just LISTEN to me. I actually felt relevant. I suddenly get it – I know why and people obsess about therapy. We live in a self-obsessed; Milla has to pay someone to listen to her!!

We talked about my childhood with a lot of focus on my absent father. I know that not having a father around has had a huge influence on how I date, my expectations of relationships and my fears. It’s interesting because I feel sure that I already know what (the majority of) my issues are. What I need is help to confront/manage/disregard them, which is easier said than done. One of the main issues is that I have always been the carer (of myself, my family and my friends). Maybe this sounds stupid but I would really like to be cared for as well, which basically sums up my past relationships. Over the last couple of hours, I’ve been wondering if, by expecting/needing some reciprocal care and attention, I'm asking too much. Or is it H2B, who in his inability to provide me with the emotional care I crave, is the problem? Questions, questions, questions...

Yesterday, the only time he contacted me was to discuss setting his friend with my friend, not because he wanted to say hi. H2B came home last night: 1 x kiss, sat on the chair and started to play his guitar whilst we talked. As he previously mentioned, being in the same room is his idea of spending time together. He also mentioned that he believes we don’t need to email/sms/call each other as much in the beginning because we know that we’re together and what our plan is. I strongly disagree. All I want is some affection – holding hands, playing with my hair, kisses, sitting together etc. I wish he would compliment me and make me free special, beautiful and relevant. I miss that. I need that. As screwed up as I may be, I don’t feel that that is expecting too much. Feeling so stupid makes me feel angry.

So here I sit, watching my blackberry like a hawk, waiting for a flicking red light to show some indication that he cares. Pathetic but true.

And so my journey begins… Can’t wait to see my therapist!

Make you feel brand new! Yes, please!!

I bloody love Jay's music & this song is the SHIT!

Housewife… NOT!

It seems that I will have to find a job in Paris. This is not really what I want. I want to get married and have a family. Instead, I will work. I never felt that Mr Marseille was comfortable being the sole bread-winner in the family and to be frank, I never felt that I could rely on him financially. So, further to our discussion last night, I will look for a job in Paris.

I feel really sad because I want to stay home – cook, care for our house, have babies, make muffins etc. Worse still is that we will no longer try for a baby straight after the wedding. I told him that if I have to work, we ought to wait for 2-3 years until we have children. He jumped out of skin, screwed up his face and said “No! I’ll be 40 – it will be too late!”. WTF does he expect? Job + child at the same time? NO. If I need to get a job, I’m going to get one, save every dime and stay independent. It’s a vey uncomfortable feeling and whilst I do want to have children, it does make me think about how I can stay independent, be a mother who is there for her children and stay happy.

A friend once said to me “People don’t realise that having a lasting relationship isn’t just about wanting the same things, it’s also about sharing the same views on money and lifestyle”. Hate to admit it but fuck was he right.

Not mummy's baby

When discussing our counselling sessions a couple of days ago, H2B mentioned that it had crossed his mind that by moving to Paris, I was running away from something. No idea what, but he just felt that way. I was sitting on our bed rather bemused by this revelation. Now, I'm starting to wonder if my fiancé is right...

We all make comparisons between our families and friends but I cannot help but feel sorry for myself and worse still, starting to wonder if I am deluding myself about who I am. Are people mean to me because I'm a mean person? Am I mean? Who am I? Yes, I have done bad things, just as I have done good things. When was younger, I made bad, immoral choices but isn't that part of growth and experience? Had I not made those negative choices, I would not be able to stand here on this spot and know that I will never do those things again. I have suffered and learnt from the life I led. I have learnt things that continue to help me on my positive path, but I cannot help but feel as though the harder I try and the happier I am, those who are supposed to be close to me, just try to drag me down. God knows I am trying not the bite the bait but boy is it difficult!

I just wish my mother could support me. She has had a tough childhood, surrounded by tragedy and hasn't spoken with her own mother for 17 years+. She is angry and bitter, which makes her very mean at times. In some ways, I don't even want to invite her to our wedding, I don't want her to be involved in my life and just cannot imagine what good she can bring to my/our life. I just want to protect myself and my husband-to-be from her negativity. I wish she could be different. I've always wished she could be different. I've always known that she never will be.

Walk faster

I never saw any of this year happening: falling in love with the most amazing man, getting engaged, ending childhood friendships, planning our wedding, finding meaningful friendship in the most unexpected area, moving to France... I feel so blessed and so afraid of losing everything we have built over the last 12 months. I've sort of resolved myself to just keep my mouth shut and get on with it. Last night H2B told me that he didn't want me to be like that; that I should share what I'm thinking/feeling. The reality is that when he hears something he doesn't like/doesn't want to hear, more often than not, he will completely freak out, rant over me and worse still, will stay grumpy for 3 days+. I cannot handle that. Really I just can't, so the best thing is to just shut-up and keep my views to myself. Not be submissive but not rock the boat. I know it's not a long term solution but for now, it will have to suffice...

Recently, my now-ex Maid-of-Honour and I broke up after she refused to support me in my decision to marry Mr Marseille, showed no interest/joy with our wedding plans, refused to get to know the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with and basically only used me to discuss her boyfriend issues with. I was so upset that she was unable to share my happiness and joy.

Of late, he sees me as being quite needy, which is a fair assessment. With the move to another country, him away interviewing all the time, I had been quite insecure, worried that he'd meet somebody else, was cheating etc - normal chick stuff! I try to concentrate on the fact that I have zero reason feel that way and must concentrate on what we have and what we're building. I know that but I have just been so consumed with dark thoughts. Over the last few days, I've been trying not to call/sms/email him too often. Sometimes I just want to say 'hi' to him – to hear his beautiful voice, sometimes I have something to mention/ask and now, I just feel silly. When I start to call/sms/email i end up just leaving it because I don't want to appear needy. It's so ridiculous because I really want to speak to him. Human beings are so complicated!

Losing a friend I've had for 16 years + relocating + insecurity + very little support + financial worries + a stressed out H2B = a very emotional Milla. The last 6 weeks have been tough but I'm feeling positive, and even when I'm having a bad day, I try to put on a happy face and force myself to see the light. Yes, there's work to be done, but I know that I'm on the right path. All I can do is walk faster...

I have NEVER been so bored

I am so over this job. I cannot believe that I am again doing a job I hate for money. Didn't I quit this BS last summer? 30-odd days to go Milla, that's all... Stay happy :-)

Feeling a wee bit sorry for myself.

Hugs, Paris and new beginnings

It's all agreed:

- 8 October is our last day in our current apartment
- 20 October H2B will move to Paris
- 26 October H2B starts his new job
- 30 October will be my last working day here in London
- 7 November I move to Paris

It's been such a stressful time to be honest. The lack of stability has thrown me and I just feel very emotional and drained, but something happened this afternoon. I came home for lunch, climbed onto the bed and closed my eyes. H2B came in, kissed me and asked if wanted some tea. He returned with the tea, climbed onto the bed and held me tightly in his arms. The next thin I knew, I was crying. All I wanted was to be in his arms - for him to comfort me and put my concerns to rest. It was really nice. Funny how a hug can change your whole outlook...

I want to live in a place like this

Isn't it gorgeous!? Large, chic and open plan, it suits a modern couple and a little one.

I'm going to burst...

If I don't tell someone how happy I am! Life is so good. I am so blessed.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

x

11 months of love

It feels like yesterday that H2B and I met but here we are, 11 months later; moving to Paris in 6 weeks, getting married in 11 months and completely and utterly devoted to each other. I never knew such a relationship existed, but you know, that's a good thing. For me, everything is new and I love that. Make no mistakes, things are not always easy, and we are having to work at our relationship every single day but it is so worth it. The moment you stop feeling interested enough to work on things, to bite your lip occasionally to keep the peace, to forget about your own needs (for a wee while) and focus on your partner, will be the day that things are over. Yesterday morning, I watched him sleep thinking about how much I love him, how everything that I dream of is part of our relationship - ever-increasing trust, love, friendship, intimacy, a future, a family - LIFE.

That said, for the last 5 months, I have just been giving and supporting. It would be really nice to feel taken care of - be offered a massage, more hugs, a smile, dinner cooked etc. What I really wish is that H2B could also understand what a big deal this is to ME: relocating, getting married, breaking up with my oldest friend*, no job = no financial independence, buying a house, no friends in new location etc. This is a freakin' huge deal that I am 100% behind BUT nonetheless, still a huge deal. God, I feel really bad asking for some Milla-support... I believe that once we've found & moved into out new home, all will be fine. Positive-thinking baby!

“Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push. A smile. A word of optimism and hope. And you can do it when things are tough.” Richard DeVos

*Blog to follow.

Paris, nous arriverons!!

I can barely contain my excitement - H2B got a new job in PARIS!! That's not all - he starts in 4 weeks!! 4 weeks people!! Oh my goodness! Currently experiencing bouts of elation and fear in equal measure... Last night we were looking at houses online. A house to live in together, a house to grow together in, a house to make babies and raise a family - our family home. Our future is upon us and I for one will not take a single moment for granted.

We had a huge fight over the weekend. He's under so much pressure so all of my emotional BS needs to be put on the back burner. I need to just stay focussed on being supportive and doing as much as I can to make things go smoothly. Like H2B said, we're not moving to Australia!

So in love, so happy and so bloody scared. What will life in Paris involve? Will I be alone all the time? Will H2B get bored of me? Will I finally learn to speak French fluently? Will his family start hating me? Will we have enough money? Will it be everything we've been dreaming of? As scared as I am, I just KNOW that everything will be okay. I love him, he loves me and we are both working for the same goal. I am so happy, I could scream!

UPDATE: H2B has now pushed his start date back a bit to 2 November, which gives us a bit more time to sort things out.

Cancer - daily horoscope

Your home and family are even more important now as an intense discussion morphs from a direct confrontation into a close encounter of some kind. It's hard to know how to classify your interactions with others, for you could feel so detached from what's happening that you appear to be disinterested. Nevertheless, your willingness to get to the bottom of an issue will help to keep you in the game.

Sometimes my horoscope is so right!

Tizzies, pain and love

The last 4-6 weeks have been very difficult for us and I’ve felt so insecure and unaccepted. He has frustrated me to high heaven and there were 2 occasions when I was ready to just end things. The latter of the two, we broke up for about 2 hours – the pain so deep that I wanted nothing more than to be hit by a truck on the motorway (freeway for my fab American readers!). I’ve visited some very dark places recently and I hope that as a result, I’ve grown stronger, calmer and more open. I hope that H2B has realised that I’m a wee bit more sensitive than I may appear…

Every now and then, I get myself into a “tizzy” and forget just how lucky I am that Mr Marseille accepts my past, deals with my insecurities, is a wonderful guy and wants to be with me forever in the same way I want to be with him forever. When he looks at me, I see everything in his eyes – our future, our happiness, our babies, our life. I love him in a way that I never knew existed. A way I thought only appeared in films.

Now if only he would follow my suggestion and do everything I tell him… One can only dream!

Kate Oh Kate

Nope, not over her yet!

Doing it for a thrill... You beat your arse I am!

Is it just me, or is this the hottest tune right now??? Just makes me want to dance, get glammed up, put on a strapless cocktail dress & some kick arse heels and go somewhere fabulous!

No to drugs AND death

Looking at press photographs of Samantha Orobator as she arrived back on UK soil yesterday, all I could think was “why the hell are you so happy?”. Reading various news sites, it was obvious that I am not alone.

Samantha was born in Nigeria and aged 8 she moved to the UK. Aged 20, she decided to travel the world and was en route back to the UK when she was stopped in Laos with 640gs of heroin. Given that she had more than 500gs, she was automatically given a death sentence. More disturbing and equally confusing is that Samantha became pregnant whilst in an all female prison. She has yet to discuss this though claims of abuse are far from infrequent in such prisons. So anyway, a deal was done to secure her transfer to the UK on the basis that she serves the remainder of her sentence in a UK prison.

Whenever you tell people that you don’t believe in the death sentence, they always say “but what if someone you love were to be murdered”. Well here’s hoping that that never happens! I can be rather blasé about a lot of stuff but feel passionately about the abolishment of the death penalty (as well as equal rights for people of all race, gender, religion, age and sexuality, obesity, free education, drink-driving, drugs and Gillian Mckeith!). Whilst the practices of Laos laws are clearly decades behind ours and the death penalties are a clear infringement of human rights, I do believe that Samantha should punished. She chose to carry drugs AKA substances that ruin lives and tear loved ones apart, and she should be made to feel the punishment. Life is not about do bad and get bailed out by your adopted government. There are, almost unbelievably, people in the UK living in poverty, our education system needs a huge amount of resources to be anywhere near adequate and our lovely free-to-everyone healthcare system is on the brink of collapse, yet the taxpayer is bailing out the likes of Samantha Orobator.

It’s a tough one because she’s very young and pregnant but the bottom line is, the woman trafficked drugs, and not the good kind! No she should not be put to death but NO way should she get off free. We’re trying to teach our children that drugs are bad, don’t carry weapons, stay in school, have fun and stay alive. How can we teach them anything when we consider freeing a drug trafficker?

Another important point to take into consideration is that should Samantha be realised, other countries will be understandably sceptical about transferring UK prisoners to our custody for fear that they will be released.

Views?

London lover

We went to Bristol and then on to Cardiff (Wales) for a day trip yesterday. Bristol was bleak and a clear throwback to the late 80s! Cardiff was lovely – sunny, historical castles and full history and culture, which I’ll come to in a moment. I found myself thinking about how much better life is London. I know, call me a snob but everything is so modern and diverse in my city. I recall moving back to London from New York and thinking how slow and bland everything is here. A trip to Wales and suddenly I think London is the best thing since sliced bread!! What a snob!

Appreciation for my life

Since reading “The Year Of Living Biblically”, I’ve changed. Even H2B has noticed. I don’t know why and it’s completely taken me by surprise. I find that even though I still have negative and bitchy thoughts about people I a. don’t verbalise them and b. feel bad about such thoughts. Another change is that I have finally realised how lucky I am. After years of telling myself and those around just how lucky we all are, I actually believe and feel it, and boy does it feel wonderful. I am actually sitting here appreciating everything in my life – the people, the environment, the food, the culture, even the smell of London air – everything. This morning after my shower, I just sat and kissed H2B as he slept until he woke up. I love when he hold my hand whilst still half asleep. I love him so much.

This morning, I sat on the bus reading my book when an older American women with a strong southern accent, maybe late 60s/early 70s, got on and sat adjacent to me. As the bus neared Baker Street, she started to ask the lady next to me directions to Regent’s Park and London Zoo. She explained that it was her fourth time to London but on the previous trips her husband has arranged everything/navigated. She went on to say that her husband had been killed in a traffic accident 5 years before. Previously, I would have wondered why she was sharing this with a stranger and couldn’t she read the signs to her desired location. This morning, I felt compassion. I wanted to hug her. I started to wonder what that must be like; to spend your life with someone and then for them to be taken from you so abruptly.

From Euston, I then took another bus and as I sat down, I looked up. There was a lady with sunken cheeks, pale/yellow skin and headscarf. She’d clearly been going through chemo. I wonder what life has been like for her. How long has she been sick? Does she have a family caring for her? What is it like, particularly for a woman, to suddenly be without hair (without choice)? How does she feel when she wakes up? I smiled at her and thought of how brave she is. No, I know absolutely nothing about her but to be going through cancer/some related disease knowing that there is no cure (as yet) and even once you’ve been give the all clear, you chances of it coming back are super high, you have to be very brave and superhero-strength strong just to get out of bed each day.

The thing is, this isn’t my normal route to work. Don’t mock me but I felt as though it was a sign; something was reminding me of all of life’s joys and the very simple fact that I have nothing to complain about. I am so lucky to be where I am in my life and I am not going to take anything/anybody for granted.

Maybe not 4 babies...

Watching H2B with his son is such a wonderful experience – I almost want to cry. He’s so gentle, caring and just full of love. There is something so unbelievably sexy about watching a man care for his child; I just want to rip his clothes off and procreate! Seriously people, I’m not kidding – I’m ready. Sadly, we’re trying to wait until after 7 August 2010 (so 13 months to go…). Let’s hope those pills work!

I saw a photograph of the gorgeous, pregnant Heidi Klum and you know what my first thought was? “Why is everybody pregnant except me?” and then I felt incredibly bad and wished Heidi and Seal all the best (and boy are their babies cute!).

I probably shouldn’t say because maybe it’s bad luck but we’re planning to try for a baby just after our wedding – I love the way he smiles and talks about us starting our little family. God I love him!

BTW, is it just me or is Heidi the hottest woman right now? Men want to date her and women want to be her. Plus, she just seems so real and nice. Yes, we officially adore Heidi.

The trials and tribulations of being super stepmother...

So H2B’s son is visiting us and you know, it’s really nice. I haven’t had much 1:1 time with him but just having him at home is lovely. He’s very quiet, polite and smiley, which is lovely. Whenever I ask him if he wants something i.e. a drink or a snack he always declines but when H2B offers, he gets a prompt “yes please”. It makes me smile because I remember being a child and never wanting to ask for/accept anything from those I didn’t know very well, because I didn’t want to be too demanding of them. It seems silly now but I’m glad I had those experiences otherwise I might be feeling rather rejected right now.

On the downside, I had hoped to be closer to him now but we still very much feel like strangers. H2B has asked me to only speak with his son in English because it’s helpful to him, but I think we will need to discuss that later tonight. His English is still very basic and us not being able to have a proper conversation is obviously not helping us bond. Tomorrow he will meet my mum and brother so hopefully that will help him feel more at ease.

Patiently waiting...

It's hard to believe that I'm going to be 28 years old tomorrow! I feel great about it - the next year of my life is going to be so wonderful. Woohoo!!

Just chilax!

It's amazing how being calm can alter your views. As difficult and stressful as things can sometimes get, at least we seem able to discuss our issues, albeit after a 24 hour cooling period! More on that later...

Stupid bitch - part 2

Do you ever just wonder what life is about? What the purpose of the world is? How do you actually fit in? With Mr Marseille, I felt as though I had found a place in this world, not only where I belonged, but also where I wanted to be. Over the last 2 months and particularly the last 24 hours, I just feel lost. Worst still, I have become someone I don't particularly like – someone insecure, afraid of being alone and just worthless. A few days ago I just started to cry and couldn’t stop, I was muttering random things, thinking about taking medication and to be honest, wondering just what my life was about. About 3 weeks ago, my mother moved home and I went over to collect the last little bits & pieces of mine. I also found 3 bottles of extra strong sleeping pills I bought when living in New York 5 years ago and took them home. You know, the days when my diet consisted of nothing but martinis, carrot juice and sleeping pills. Has it really come to that?

Lately we have been arguing about everything and anything. Yes, I know it’s the stress of his work situation but is there more to it? From the beginning, I have been there offering my support and love and I just feel as though I am unappreciated and pointless. Yesterday, after a lovely morning of wedding planning, making love and just being together, I decided to share my insecurities with the one person I’m supposed to share everything with. He completely tripped out, started to shout at me, didn’t want to talk and decided to leave me and go for a walk because I think it’s inappropriate for him to have regular email/telephone exchange with women who, by his own admission, fancy him. He then decided to drag up the past once again (a favourite hobby of his) and say that I had dinner with my “ex FB”. The rant then continued to more historical events of when his friend was fucking rude to me and that he is not going to give up his friends (for me). You know, I never once asked him to give anybody up. I happily gave up platonic friendships with an ex because I love him and don’t see why my past should cause him/us any issues. So yep, he left for walk. I packed some stuff, wrote him a note and left. As I sat on the bus trying not to cry, I kept hoping he would call and tell me to come home. He didn’t.

Last night, nothing. No call. No text. Nothing. So once again, I sent made the first move:

“Goodnight”.

“I feel so lonely without you. Goodnight x” he wrote.

I was so happy that he responded. So happy to have a sign that he cares.

“I am so sad without you. I promise to never leave like this again. X” I instantly wrote back.

No response. I kept hoping he would call/text. As I switched on my telephone at 0503 this morning, my heart raced as a waited for an sms from him. 0900 and nothing. Him not calling has only served to confirm my insecurities about how relevant I am to him and made things far worse.

So here I sit, feeling like a stupid little bitch wondering where our life stands now. Wondering where MY life stands. I’m trying to figure out if I can cope with a life of always having to make the first move to patch things up. More worryingly, I feel that I will always come last – that he will always choose his friends over me. Question is, can I deal with that? The even bigger question is why should I?

Finding Mary

I started reading

The Year Of Living Biblically

* by complete chance and suddenly, I started to remember all of the wonder moments I had as small child. As a wee child, I went to a convent and spent 6 years there until my mother decided it was all a little too religious!

We would pray when we woke up, before each lesson, at the end of school and before going to sleep, in addition to saying grace before each meal. I felt connected to something - maybe to God, maybe to my fellow pupils but you know, I think I was more connected to myself. Most of my fondest childhood moments involve being at that school. It suddenly dawned on me that my life path changed when I left St Mary's - that's when I lost my self-esteem and became a loner. It took me 17 years and a very stressful moment in my relationship to realise that leaving my Roman Catholic convent changed the course of my life. What does that mean for my future?

I'm the first person to talk about religion being a load of BS but lately, I've just felt this pull to something else. Even more bizarre, I like it. A little reminder to myself:

1. I am the Lord your God who brought you out of slavery in Egypt.
2. You shall have no other gods but me.
3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.
4. You shall remember and keep the Sabbath day holy.
5. Honour your father and mother.
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
10. You shall not covet.

*Highly recommend it for some religious knowledge but also for a bloody laugh!

I hate the term “stepmother”

Yesterday I was informed that my temp role will end in 3-5 weeks. It’s quite interesting but since making that discovery, I feel less stressed about working life. I’m still as sleepy as before – I spent so much time going to the “bathroom” AKA sitting at the bottom of the stairs taking a nap, I really wonder what people think. Yesterday afternoon, I went for a quick power nap and ended up waking up 25 minutes later. Not cut out for work but needs must... To be honest, all I want to do is to stay home, cook, clean, take care of my man, plan our wedding and practice making babies. On the upside, it just short term and we can use the cash towards our wedding and I can save a wee bit more for myself before I give into life as a fabulous housewife. I think H2B is going to lose his mind if I continue working. Needless to say, he’s not the only one.

H2B is off visiting his son this weekend and initially I was looking forward to some time alone but now I’m pretty lonely without him and I slept so poorly. Things have been a bit up and down lately because he’s been so stressed with work but I am trying to support him as much as possible. Our sex life has improved and we’re much more in sync with each other. In the long run, this stressful time is probably a good thing because I don’t want to experience this when we’re married/I’m pregnant/we have a small baby.

Speaking of H2B visiting his son, do you realise that in a year’s time, I’m going to be a stepmother? So I’ve always known that he has a (very sweet) son and I have my own experiences of having my father remarry, which in itself isn’t an issue, just that my father married a woman I ended up nicknaming “Beverley-the-bitch”. Needless to say, I’m not a fan! I really want his son to be included in our life as much as possible, particularly since we’re planning to try for a baby just after getting married. My H2B is such a good father and despite living in another country and seeing his son for only a few days per month, he’s very much involved in everything he does and they’re very close. I want to strike a good balance between his son knowing that I care about him, that our home is his home, that a new wife and baby won’t mean he’s any less important AND continuing not to interfere with their private weekends. I think I need to go book shopping this? Surely there’s a book named “How to be a fun, caring, approachable stepmother to a teenager” out there? Amazon and I will spend some time together this weekend that’s for sure!

BED BED BED

That’s all I can think.

So I decided to go back to work on a temporary basis – today signifies the 1 week mark. The only thing I can say is WTF?! I am so unbelievably exhausted, have had no time alone and I just cannot comprehend just how people actually fit a life in with work. Did I mention that I start at 0900 and finish at 1800. How abnormal is that!? By the time I get home and cook, shower and sit down, it’s 2100. I end up eating very little because the idea of eating and then heading straight to be doesn’t feel too good. All I can say is power to working wives and mothers because this isn’t easy. I've just discovered that they need me for next week again. Trying to just see the positive side i.e. more money for our wedding. I’m just not cut out for working.

It baffles me at how people are so consumed their jobs. Yes, we all need money but come on people, take a chill pill. London transport has decided on a 2-day strike over some BS so people are acting crazy-as-hell! This morning on the bus, this woman starts screaming “hold on driver, some of these idiots won’t move out of way and let us off of the bus”. I just looked at her and thought, how bloody sad that this chicca feels the need to insult strangers just because she’s late for work. She knew there was a strike so why not just take a chill pill and smile. It’s only a bloody job! Another guy had a sweating fit, got really dizzy and had to sit down ON THE FLOOR OF THE BUS. How gross!! But you know, homie had to get his arse to work so he just has to deal with it. No, no, no – this isn’t for Milla.

It’s quite interesting how agencies market these roles. They attempt to make them sounds interesting, the role everybody wants and more importantly, the role you need! Sitting here bored out of my mind. One can always find something to keep us busy but like most situations, we also need something to stimulate us mentally. Let’s just say that my brain is chilling right now...

Steps to recovery

We made love this morning. It was so good to feel wanted again. Generally, we are very close and constantly kiss, hold hands, sleep wrapped in each other’s arms etc but I missed feeling wanted sexually. Fair enough, it had only been 5 days but it seemed like a lot longer. Last night, he popped out briefly and came home with the most gorgeous yellow tulips – the second bunch of flowers he’s given to me in a week. Just 4 days before, he surprised me with a wonderful bouquet of red roses.

Sometimes things are tough but having someone who will love and support you through the good and bad times is so important. We have that and I know that on our life journey together (sorry to get all Oprah on you), we will encounter many hiccups but we're here for each other so all will be well. All I can say is THANK GOOD FOR BLOGGING AS THERAPY!!!

Lift our spirits

Isolation. Hurt. Confusion. Fear. Anger. Desperation. Just a few of things I’m feeling right now.

H2B is stressed with his job situation and has been home for the last 10 days. On the whole, I’ve really enjoyed him being here with me but over the last 2 days in particular, it has been rather stressful. He appears to be sinking further into some form of mild depression that, like most people in his state, he cannot see. I have tried everything – joking, watching films of his choice, making him kick-arse pancakes, the allure of love-making (he’s sooooo not interested but more on that later…), assisting him to find a good lawyer, writing legal letters, kisses and nothing, he just sinks further into this low state. I know he appreciates my help. I don’t doubt that but please baby, please cheer up!

It’s strange because a few days ago whilst I was out, he did all of the housework, ordered the most gorgeous bunch of red roses for me and treated me like such an angel. I was pleasantly surprised! He’s such a loving man and it really hurts me to see him like this. Anybody in my situation would have difficulty dealing with this but the hardest part is that he is usually such a happy, bouncing, glass-half-full type of guy. I’m the one who gets depressed and feels as though the world is about to end if I forget to tape yet another rerun of the Gilmore girls!

Sexually things are pretty much nonexistent. I know he’s stressed and has explained that he cannot relax properly because he so preoccupied with the catastrophe that is work right now. I 100% believe him when he says it’s not about me. I know he loves me and that we’ll spend the rest of our lives together but it still hurts beyond all belief to be rejected by the man you love.

The worst part is that I feel awful to complain, awful to trouble him with my issues because he takes it so badly. He doesn’t see that I just want us to be ‘fixed’. Maybe he does but is so clouded by the things we’re going through now. I say “we’re” because I am living through this with him. I love him and am 100% on his side but no matter what I do, nothing seems to lift his spirits. I feel so frustrated with both of us. So frustrated that I am incapable of helping the one person who needs me. I am a carer – that’s my personality. Yes, of course I love to receive attention, affection, consideration, help, love and so on but I am far more at ease in the role of caregiver. To be in this role and be ineffective pains me beyond belief. There are few times in my life when I am completely at a loss. This, my friends, is one of those moments.

I feel isolated because everyone wants to talk about lovey-dovey wedding plans. I want to talk about our lovey-dovey wedding plans but can’t because it’s just another thing for him to think about and he is far too stressed for that. I cannot talk to my friends or family about this because nobody understands. I am in no-mans-land! So what do I do? I just watch him whilst he’s fast asleep, tears trickling down my face and constantly saying (in my head) “wake up, look at me, kiss me, tell me how much you love me”. I’m a real saddo huh?! Answers on a postcard.

Even sadder, today marks 2 months since we became engaged.

Just don't leave me jilted...

My H2B is just a darling: last night he just sat and watched the SATC film with me AND he actually liked it! Now, I didn’t see that happening! The wedding theme was actually quite good because we were able to discuss exactly what we want our wedding to be. Prior to being engaged, I never actually thought about a wedding. Sure, I sort of knew I wanted to be married, but the actual wedding didn’t really feature. Now, I find myself becoming obsessed with £5000 dresses, flower arrangements, wedding favours, honeymoon locations and all sorts of stuff. The strange thing is that I can now see myself sitting in our garden with our daughter, showing her photographs of when mummy and daddy got married. All of the things I never knew were important to me are suddenly a big deal. I’m scared of “doing a Carrie” and making the wedding bigger than us. When we were watching, I started to cry when Big jilted Miss Bradshaw and just as I was about to speak, H2B laughed and said “it’s just a film and no, I won’t do that to you”. Love him.

When we initially spoke about our wedding, I made it clear that my interest is being married to Mr Marseille and cementing our commitment to each other for the rest of our lives. Now we’re up to 50 guests and it’s freaking us out – how did it come to this? I have 8 people on my invitee list and the remainder are his friends and family-in-law (to be). The two of us are getting married and I want him to invite everyone he wants to invite (and I want everyone we love to witness our union) but I feel a wee bit overwhelmed.

Yesterday, we were discussing the wedding favours and I just started to cry. He made the comment that people in France will be expecting ‘dragees’ AKA the traditional sugared almonds. I had to remind H2B that this is our wedding and we have to be happy and trust me people, sugared almonds are not going to make this chick happy! Weddings are such a touchy thing because you never really know where you stand – you’re so eager to be happy but want to please everyone else. All I want is to be Mr Marseille’s wife…